


The Patrician at Hogswatch

by celestialteapot



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Bad Puns, Gen, Hogswatch, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-09
Updated: 2012-05-09
Packaged: 2017-11-05 01:43:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/401076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celestialteapot/pseuds/celestialteapot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How the Patrician celebrates Hogswatch Day. (Originally posted on my LJ in 2008)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Patrician at Hogswatch

It was often remarked that the Patrician had absolutely no vices whatsoever, not one, nadda, zilch, zero, zip*. As you'd be unsurprised to learn, Lord Vetinari did indeed have one, teensy, tiny little vice. 

He loved romantic fiction. 

The cheesier the better; providing it was chock full of characters with names like Eggbert von Humpledunk, rippling thighs, quivering manhoods, voluptuous specimens of virginal womanhood who needed lessons in love from the well hung stable boy and other such heart racing clichés he was happy.

Like every vice that could cause a scandal the size of an exploding elephant that has inadvertently swallowed a super-nova he knew to keep his indulgences to a minimum. He felt that, like other not-to-be named common vices, the indulgence was best left to once a year... and since it was a treat, he only permitted himself to succumb on Hogswatch Day, the one day of the year when he was guaranteed to be left well and truly alone (partially because anyone who dared to disturb him would come down with a permanent case of painful and humiliating death). 

Allowing himself a smile, Lord Vetinari settled back into his freshly plumbed pillows, sipped his bog-standard** no-frills tea (black, no sugar and brewed strong enough to strip the hair off a mammoth), reached over for the latest Fluxen Quim novel and wiggled his fluffy bunny clad toes*** in contentment. Licking his index finger in eager anticipation of the bodice ripping and glistening muscles that lay within he prepared himself for the moment of reveal. Carefully he opened the book in, took a deep breath, and slowly read the first line: 'Zanibar Struttleback had never know the touch of a man and as she watched the stable boys rippling chest muscles as he washed the days sweat from his glistening body, she knew this was the summer that would never forget.' sighing with happiness the Patrician sank further back into his pillows and blissfully thought "this is truly the meaning of Hogswatch."

 

*unless you counted hanging mimes upside down by their ankles in front of a giant sign that read 'LEARN THE WORDS' a vice, but few people do.  
**or what passed as bog-standard tea in Ankh-Morpork, which come to think of it probably did have something to do with a bog  
*** I dare you. Go on, dare you.


End file.
